Life update.

It’s a battle keeping up with these word prompts. A battle with time. And my mind.

I have so much to study. And I want to read more, too. And I have to think about what I’m going to do with my life. Also, I’ve set unrealistic goals for the weekend (again) which shall go unfulfilled (again) and that shall leave me annoyed. It’s not my fault I only get one day off.

The mind has been whispering. Doubts, fears.

The mind is uneasy. Everyday is another battle. To keep that balance between thinking and not think.

I want to exercise. Mind, soul and body. I want to get up earlier and be productive. But that is not possible.

I want a change of routine. I want this endless road to bend. I want something that would excite me, something that would inspire. My words have been kind to me. Never do they leave the mind. I have been neglecting them, I know. They have been starting to get quite difficult of late. They, too, want a change of expression. Rebellious, ungrateful. They never even realise how much I do for them. However, I in turn must not be ungrateful. They are a blessing, they could be taken away any time. I must cherish them.

I can’t wait for the fog. Glorious, vague vapours encompassing everything and anything, without discrimination.

It is another battle to see the same people every day, to disagree on the same things, to put up with the same ignorance and backwardness and still be nice. Apart from family, and that too only the most direct relations, how much sooner one tires of human company than of anything else. Cats, independent, detached creatures, infinitely cleverer than us (Though only metaphorically).

It is also a battle to be good. Evil tempts you. No matter how much one tries to purify one’s heart, it will always remain contaminated. No matter how much you try, you have been too infected. It is a battle to be kind. Especially those who don’t deserve it. But God knows you’re a monster inside, and if you start classifying and judging people, He could call you out on it.

It’s a battle to be.

How sweet would it be to not be?


Writing prompt: https://zoyakubra.wordpress.com/2017/09/23/october-writing-challenge/

P.S. Do you think my blog has become a little too dull and dark lately? Do you even enjoy? I’d love to know!

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To do

Another day. She got up (eventually). As she looked in the mirror, she picked up the list Society had put there. Her to do list.

Get up

Don’t think

Eat well

Communicate

Tolerate

Be indifferent

Be cool

Fit in

Change

Loose creativity

Quantity and quality

Adapt

Loose emotions

Receive

Do not give

Harden heart

Just another day. She put the list in her heart. Another day trying.


Writing prompt here:

https://zoyakubra.wordpress.com/2017/09/23/october-writing-challenge/

Also make sure you check out her post for today. Absolutely amazing!

https://zoyakubra.wordpress.com/2017/10/06/heer-saleti-recreated/

Dark Clouds

Dark clouds have turned day into dullness. A magnificent wind blows, entering this window and exiting that window. It is so dark I cannot read, yet I have not switched on any lights yet. The darkness corresponds to my mood. For days now, weeks, the weather had been the same: either oppressive heat with unbearable humidity, or continuous rainfall still with humidity. Why should I call a continuous rainfall “still”? It was so. Everything was still. Days rolled into weeks, weeks into months, and yet all was still. Utter monotony. I sat on the floor, amidst cotton amd nail polish. Looking out, seeing the hours while away, away to be lost in monotony. People ask: are you well? Yes, I am well. Well enough. I have everything I could need and more: monotony. An unchanging routine with no chance of excitement. No prospect for difference for another year or so. People are dying around the globe, death visits the neighbors and here I am. Perhaps the most ungrateful of them all? Perhaps just human? Books find me a way to escape: sometimes the past, sometimes in lands so far from my eye and yet, as soon as we come back, the sameness returns, the circumstances are still, our ways uninterrupted. We have done so much and yet nothing. Looking out I see a freshness in the green of the leaves but I know as I leave the house in accordance with my routine, I shall come back to find even that stale with dust. Sometimes the rain intensifies, sometimes it calms down, sometimes it even stops. I know I have a lot to do and not enough time, yet I know if these words are not penned down they too will be lost in the vast expanses of my thoughts. Just like yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. When I prioritise something above words, I am punished by their loss. Yet writing deprives me of words too. This is sometimes pleasant: no words to think of, a clear mind, a consciousness. However, sometimes it has the reverse effect: I am overburdened with words and they keep forming until I have no alternative except to put my mind at rest: sleep. But all this does not relieve me of the current monotony. Seeing the time, however, I realise that I have nothing new to offer to anyone. I am NOT depressed, or upset. These feelings have now turned into cliches and irritate me to an extent that is unbearable. Perhaps you wouldn’t understand, but try living your entire life with the female species of this society… particularly the Homo sapiens. Felis felidae would make a nicer alternative for this society but that has other problems and anyways, I have yet to write about that another day. Anyways, as I was saying, I am not upset or anything, I am just tired of the same sameness that engulfs my world, even though the Earth is in chaos.

Until next time, stay hydrated.

Rab Rakhan. 

(P.S. If you happen to be a female of the species mentioned, please do not be offended, I was referring to the females found in my society that I face. Just like when I do my post on the females of Felis felidae, I shall be referring to those of my society too. I should add that this post reflects my mood for this passage of time, and that almost none of my posts reflect my “permanent” moods or stances on anything, if such a thing exists. Also if there is someone genuinely depressed or upset, you have my sympathies. I was referring to all those people who have turned this into cliches. May Allah bless us all with His bounties. Remember me in your prayers.)

Hypocrasy

(The following is a rant. You can not read it if you want, okay? It’s only negative energy being expressed in a super exaggerated way.)

Sometimes when you meet a person for the first time, your very inspired by them. Look what a great personality! What charming manners! What a genuine smile!

But the truth is, there is no genuine smile. It is only an act. Because they are hypocrites.

I’m not saying everyone is a hypocrite. There are genuine people out there. But they are rare.

“Charity begins at home.” I wish people could understand this. I mean in Islam, even a smile is an act of charity… a genuine smile. But some people just preserve this charity for people who do not and can not know them. So the people who are in dire need of this charity, the people who are around them all the time, who live with them, are denied this.

Being nice to people who do not know you has no meaning if the people who live with you suffer.I know of people who are known for their ‘compassion’ and ‘sympathy’. I know for a fact that they do not care even a little bit for the very people who they “comfort”. The people who live with them cringe and burn but these hypocrites don’t care. Hurting someone’s feelings and being mean to them and then swearing you just don’t have the heart to be mean to ANYBODY on the ENTIRE world. Stop contradicting yourself! Not only are you confusing the person but your’e also hurting them even more. Then don’t complain if they don’t want to talk to you or appear to be annoyed or offended or whatever. Just give the person their space, let them heal the wounds before you hurt them again. Don’t give people the impression that you are someone who anybody can talk to if you simply don’t care. Don’t be a hypocrite. Because you can hide the ugliness and nastiness and the RBF from the world but you can’t hide it from your own blood. Be whatever with yourself but just give it a break, will ya? We get really sick and tired too, you know. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but just come down a notch! You are not above the rest of us and them. Stop complaining! Stop, stop, just STOP!

And i know i was going to write about hypocrisy and not about hypocrites but it just turned out that way, okay?